who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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