I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
