so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need to calm my uterus...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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