Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
