I accidentally had phone sex last night
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
