i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He better not be in your backpack
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
