I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
