i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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