Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Randomize
