apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
