Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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