broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
