I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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