My liver just broke up with me...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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