By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
