Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sober January is a disaster.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
