i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
