Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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