I'm passing your future prison.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
