Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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