I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
