then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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