thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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