8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
