Have you finally orgasmed yet?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
