My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
