what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
false alarm. still invincible.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
