I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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