So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
