When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
