I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
After last night, I could never be a politician.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
