In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
