Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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