My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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