Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
