P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
