Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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