there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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