i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
