no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
