I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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