no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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