After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Text me some of your sweat
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