i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
