First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
