Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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