i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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