we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
