I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You took a bar mat shot.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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