i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
