nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
