Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
