Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I will pee on everything he values.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
