Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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