Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
