you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
