I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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