It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
