When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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