loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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