Umm I'm too high to move.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
