If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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